Hedgehog's Dilemma

Shinji Ikari is walking to school alone.
Misato: “I gave him a portable phone out of necessity a while ago. It seems he hasn't used it, and no one has called him. I'm not sure, but I think he has no friends.”
Ritsuko: “He seems to have a personality unsuited to making friends, doesn't he? Do you know the story of the "Hedgehogs' dilemma"?”
Misato: “Hedgehogs? The thorny ones?

Shinji’s Classmates are talking and playing in the classroom.
Ritsuko: “If a hedgehog wants to be close with other hedgehogs, the closer they become, the more they hurt each other. It's the same with some people. The same is true for Shinji-kun. Because he is frightened by the aches in his heart, he now seems so aloof and distant. The more pain his heart endures, the more afraid he becomes.”

Shinji enters the classroom silently. Rei is sitting alone at her desk, staring outside.
Misato: “Well, eventually he will realize, growing up means being hurt whether you’re close with others.., or if they’re kept at a distance.”

[Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ep.03: TRANSFER, Naranai Denwa – Unringing Telephone]


I was introduced with Neon Genesis EVAngelion in second grade of high school. If you can’t recall, EVA is an anime series which known in Indonesia about 10 years ago. The story was set in Tokyo-3, the remaining area in the earth after the “second impact”. To protect the humanity left, there’s a military organization called NERV who have ammunitions in form of “robots” called EVA which piloted by children. Their intention is to kill all the ANGELs who always try to attack Tokyo-3. I stop here because there’s so much to say and the story is severely complicated to be written in a page.

It’s very unique in term of how I understand the depth of the story, its plot and characters, even the writer. And believe me…, I NEVER WATCHED THE SERIES…! There’s a boy next to my seat who seriously fond to this series. I didn’t know how it begun, but he start to sent me one by one the transcript of the series. He highlighted some dialogues. We switch opinions. He showed me the picture of the character, but he never asked me to watch it. Then I know what he means. And I can understand him. I think. And I really worried…!

No wonder this series called as a controversial yet really influential anime. There are so many people, especially teenage who try to do suicidal thing after watch it. But the truth is…, I really like this series, regardless the way I know it, regardless how graphic the visual portraying human body and violence. Yes, I admit, few days ago I watched the movie version: “REBUILD EVANGELION 1.0: You Are (Not) Alone”.

When the boy gave abundant information about EVA…, I know, that someway, he try to express himself that one of the character in the series is just like him. He wanted to be understood. And I know the reason why he picked me to share his things. Because he knew, I might be just like him too. Just like the person in the series also. Therefore, the chance of me understand him is quite high. Although he still try to “protect” me by prohibited me to watch it. And I do…, understand him…

Misato: Don't you think it's nice?
Shinji: *no clue*
Misato: Having a meal with others?
Shinji: (whisper) Ah.., yes…

[Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ep.02: BEAST, Misiranu Tenjou – Unknown Ceiling]


EVA carried out so many biblical terms, judaism, gnosticism symbols, and also philosophical and psychological issues. Adam, Eva, Angel, Lilith, First Child, Genesis, Thanatos, Separation Anxiety, Hedgehog's Dilemma, Marduk, just name it! You can find it analogously described there, twisted upside down. Maybe that is the most attracting things in EVA for me. Existential themes of individuality, consciousness, freedom, choice, and responsibility are heavily relied upon throughout the entire series. And the boy was right…, the dialogues bring so much “ah”-moment that him and I can even say at that time, “The writer has the same feeling and experience with me”. And our classmates knew, we were the two nerds in this century….

Since then, we are bestfriend. Until one day people start accusing him as having mental illness…! They sensed that he always felt agitated. Lethargic. They sensed inappropriate regret, helplessness, and hopelessness. I always said they’re wrong! He just need some time to think about the priority in his life. And I know, he was lonely at that time. I tried to reach him, but nothing I can do. Lame excuses, I know. He seems so hurt every time I try to be close. So I gradually leave. Give up. Something I really regret. I shouldn’t have given up. I should stick around, whether he ignored me or not. But we can’t rewind the time. It’s a trick that everyone can’t help about. And I…, have to live this life remembering that I’m not a good friend.

Accidentally, I found the movie series is launched in Blitz. I watched it. Alone. Not only because I want to see the moving scene from the written dialogues, but also to remember some moments with him. It’s the month of his birthday, the universe decided. As if the writer forced to launch it in Indonesia at this month after 10 years of the series out. The name of the writer is HIDEAKI ANO. And recently, I know, that the writer itself, writing EVA after he suffered from clinical depression. I suddenly think about myself…!

Fuyutsuki: One cannot live without being surrounded by others.
Gendou: One cannot live alone.
Ritsuko: One is always unique.
Ryouji: So, it's hard.
Asuka: So, it's sad.
Misato: So, one wishes to feel others' minds and bodies.
Rei: So we wish to be one.
Fuyutsuki: A human is made of weak and fragile materials.
Ritsuko: The mind and body are also made of weak and fragile materials.
Gendou: So it is necessary to compliment by the instrumentality of each other. Why? There's no other way to live. Is that true?
Rei: Why do you live? I've no idea.
Asuka: I might live to know why.
Rei: For whom do you live?
Asuka: For myself, of course.
Shinji: Probably for myself. Is that true?
Rei: Do you enjoy your life?
Shinji: I wonder.
Rei: Do you enjoy your life?
Asuka: Of course yes.
Rei: Do you enjoy your life?
Misato: I don't want to do anything not enjoyable.
Ryouji: You hate being sad?
Shinji: I don't like it.
Ryouji: You hate hardships?
Misato: I don't like them.
Ryouji: So you run away.
Misato: Yes. Do you blame me, for running away from something I hate.
Shinji: I can't run away.
Rei: Why don't you run away?
Shinji: If I ran away, it would be more painful.
Rei: You ran away from something painful
Shinji: It was painful.
Asuka: If you know the pain, then everything's OK.
Misato: You can run away if it's painful.
Rei: You can run away from something you truly hate.
Shinji: But, I won't. I don't want to run away. No. I shall not run away.
Misato: It's because you already know that running away results in more pain.
Asuka: You know how painful it is to run away.
Rei: So you don't want to run away.
Shinji: I said, if I ran away, nobody would care about me. Don't desert me! Please! Don't desert me!
Asuka: You fear being hurt.
Misato: You are trying to believe that.
Kensuke: Not only you but also others are hurt.
Touji: Everybody feels hardships.
Hikari: You think that, because it's easier for you.
Shinji: Shut up! That's nothing to do with me. People don't care about me.
Misato: And you always desert your worth.

[Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ep.26: Finale]

Butterfly Effect

Nice morning for everyone…, except for Mr. Van Illogical. He has a fight in Singapore custom, just because he felt insulted when the security officer asked him to open his notebook and check whether he has an original Microsoft operating system or not. A silly procedure for him, a vice president one of the greatest consumer goods company in Indonesia. “Unbelievable,” he said! But, indeed, it has given him a bad mood for a whole day. In the airport lounge, he opened the monthly report and realized that one among abundant parameters year-to-date performance report has not achieving the target. “Impossible,” he said. The nerve button is hit, and at an instant, he grabbed his cellphone.

It’s a beautiful day for Mr. Big-Picture…, until he heard his cellphone beeping and noticed his boss’s name in its monitor. As what expected, there’s a question he must answer which leads to another questions and another anger and another shouting. He’s not a person who can shout back to his boss, especially if he not really understands what the exact fact is. Come on, he’s a Director. Should he know that details? But he keeps those minds for himself rather than speak it up to the VP. Instead, he burst his anger out toward his subordinate.

Mrs. Control thought there’s nothing in the world which can make her day bad right now. But she was wrong! Out of the blue, she was called by her director. And without any preamble, she was shouted and judged as being lose-of-control toward one matter. She’s not accepted it and fought back with a thorough explanation about the fact. She can’t win. The number is there. Below target. How much story and reason she blurts cannot change it. Overlooked! As a senior manager, she doesn’t mind fighting with his boss, but she does furious if there’s something missed. Abruptly, she calls a sudden meeting. A.S.A.P is written in the memo.

Mr. Sensitive and his colleague got the memo in front of them right in the middle of lunch time. He’s hungry but his kind and thoughtful mind said that his boss curiosity is hungrier. With supervisor obedience, he and his team follow the instruction. By the time he entered the meeting room, he felt the dark aura. Instantly, he predicted this meeting wouldn’t be a fruitful discussion. It would be a judgment. And yes, he’s right. He forgot his hunger and find his evening get darker…

Mrs. Ask-Too-Much has a long day. Shopping, gossiping, and watching soaps. When the sun goes down, she found her husband older than this morning. He went home in messy uniform and mussy hair. She asked what happened. The man didn’t answer. There’s too much in his plate right now. She keeps asking. And the man still not answering, hoping his wife sensitive enough to stop the question when he shows a gesture that he don’t want to be questioned. But she is who she is. And when somebody ignored her, especially her beautiful husband…, she gets mad. Even furious.

The kid in the corner is playing PS2. He’s really enjoying it. Even he ignored the meals that his mother has provided for him. But it didn’t last long. The mother comes with an ugly face. McKid keeps playing. By the time she noticed his son hasn’t eaten his meals, she shout, “If you don’t finish your meals in three minutes, I bet you wont get any money for tomorrow! And shut the TV off...! I wanna watch ‘Me & My Mom’ TV show!”

McKid went to the kitchen. His appetite is gone. He searched for another meal. He wants a nugget he kept from this morning. But his eyes captured a cat busy shoving something to its mouth. The thing is a nugget! A broom in the corner is grabbed hastily by the kid and shoved to the cat. Again and again. The cat was hurt and nothing it can do except meowed!

Seriously, it would be nice if Mr. Van Illogical just directly shoot the damn kitty! The world will be much peaceful.

Road Trip

I lay in my bed. A guitar beside my head. I enjoy silence for a while. Then suddenly the front door’s opened. Footsteps going upstairs rush and hastily. Crowd at instant.
“Hello...!”,
“Hi...!”,
“Assalamu’alaikum...!”

I heard three words flying and shouting at the same time. One boy jumped directly into my bed. “I hate your shirt,” he said. I just smile. One guy went straight to the pile of my books. “Still reading these craps?” he said. I just nodded. One man unhesitantly strangled my neck. “Hei, chubby boy!”. This time I resent these words. “Not anymore,” I said.

A road trip. They picked me up and drag me to an event. Never cross in my mind I have a chance to go east with them…., together! They are the fruit, the milk, and the doctor’s pill for my life. Not usually come and gathered in the same time. Simply because I put them in different circle. I was eager to know how the situations turn-out to be. The three best people in my life are there. It is one among a rare moments when I think about “happy”.

***

So I turn on my CD Player
Singer: Jason Mraz (again!)
Title: Song to a Friend
Album: Mr. A to Z
A thumb.
Play!
And it rewinds that moment again…

“Well you're magic,” he said
“But don't let it all go to your head…,
Coz I bet if you all had it all figured out,
Then you'd never get out of bed!”

No doubt
All the thing's that I've read what he wrote me
Is now sounding like the man I was hoping to be
Keep on keeping it real
Cause it keeps getting easier indeed
He's the reason that I'm laughing
Even if there's no one else
He said, “You've got to love yourself”

You say, “You shouldn't mumble when you speak…,
But keep your tongue up in your cheek…!
And if you stumble on to,
You better remember that it's humble that you seek
You got all the skill you need,
Individuality
You got something
Call it gumption
Call it anything you want
Because when you play the fool now
You're only fooling everyone else
You're learning to love yourself”

Yes you are


There's no price to pay
When you give and what you take,
That's why it's easy to thank you
You...

Let's say take a break from the day
And get back to the old garage
Because life's too short anyway
But at least it's better then average
As long as you got me
And I got you
You know we'll got a lot to go around…!
I'll be your friend
Your other brother
Another love to come and comfort you

And I'll keep reminding
If it's the only thing I ever do
I will always love
I will always love you
Yes youI will always, always, always, always love
I will always, always love
I will always, always love, love

Climb up over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it.
Take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning of purpose.

[Agent Smith, The Matrix Revolution]

Q : Why should I fight..? Why should I feel sadness..? Why should I think..? Why should I feel in an ordeal..?
A : “Do men imagine that they will be left (at ease) because they say, ‘We believe’, and will not be tested with affliction? Lo! We tested those who were before you. Thus Allah Knoweth those who are sincere, and Knoweth those who feign.” (QS. Al-Ankabut [The Spider], 2-3)

Q : If that so, why it feels so heavy? Is life supposed to be this hard?
A : “Allah Tasketh not a soul beyond its scope…”(QS. Al-Baqarah [The Cow]: 286)

Q : But why even something felt good and joyful in life is prohibited? Why I’m not allowed to drink? Why I’m not allowed to gossip? Why I’m not allowed to mock, even for once?
A : “..but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah Knoweth, ye know not.” (QS. Al-Baqarah [The Cow]: 216)

Q : Is it okay for me to have a nervous breakdown sometimes? It just felt too much. It’s overrated.
A : “Faint not nor grieve, for ye will overcome them if ye are (indeed) believers.” (QS. Ali-Imran [Imramites], 139)

Q : Should I lose any hope?
A : “…And despair not of the Mercy of Allah. Lo! None despareth of the Mercy of Allah except disbelieving folk.” (QS. Yusuf [Joseph], 87)

Q : Then how should I face this life?
A : “O ye who believe! Endure, outdo all others in endurance, be ready, and observe your duty to Allah, in order that ye may succeed.” (QS. Ali-Imran [Imramites], 200)

Q : But I’m alone..! No one around. Am I able to live this life?
A : “…Say, ‘Allah Sufficeth me’. There is no God except Him. In Him have I put my trust, and He is Lord of the Tremendous Throne.” (QS. At-Taubah [Ultimatum]: 129)

Q : How to reach Him? I cant even see Him?
A : “Seek help in patience and prayer, and truly it is hard except for the humble-minded” (QS. Al-Baqarah [The Cow]: 45)

Q : What will I get after all this things?
A : “Lo! Allah Hath Bought from the believers their lives and their wealth because the Garden will be theirs…” (QS. Al-Baqarah [The Cow]: 111)

Q : Is it a promise? a certainty?
A : “…It IS a promise which is binding on Him in the Torah and the Gospel and the Quran. Who Fulfilleth His Covenant better than Allah? Rejoice them in your bargain that ye have made, for that is the supreme triumph.” (QS. Al-Baqarah [The Cow]: 111)

Somehow, sometimes, I know, the answers are there...

I just never listened...

She's X...!!!

If someone asks me where is my home…, then I automatically think about her. Of course, I will say some address eventually, whether it’s my mom’s in bandung or my small room in this small town. But I’m not the host there. So after being hospitalized for almost 2 weeks, I’m so excited. She’s back. My Copper Light Car…!




I have no intention of bragging. (Well, a bit…, but consider it like a mom who’s saying some good things about her son, that he’s so clever blablabla, regardless all the opposite facts). It’s her “birthday” now. And just like a baby, I have to wait her for about 8 months (imagine!) before I got her. What a long indent time for a car.

I fell in love in the third sight. Blame my boss! She’s the one who took the same car to the office. A CBU Silky Silver X-Over. The first time I see the car is when I went to a car-exhibition in Turkey. I was shocked knowing that SX4 is one of the best design cars there. But I agree. I think it’s small, sporty, and compact. And by the time I went back to the office, apparently, my boss chatting around about her car. It’s her husband car, she said. But really fun to drive, and addictive, she added. After that, I put a detail attention to her car in a parking area. I sense the security officer put an eye on me, figuring that I try to steal that car, but I was not pretty much care...(hehe). The third time, my boss ride me home, I saw the interior. I think it’s simple, elegant, yet has such great features. And it works like a charm. I want it! I dream about it! And you know my mental illness, right? If I want something, I try everything to get it! And last year, alhamdulillah, my dream is come true…, made my 8 months waiting so much worth it.

I got so many questions about why I chose her among any other car. So here are my answers…, maybe sounds tendentious, but I bet if you know, you would buy it too…

1. Brand. It’s SUZUKI. “Why don’t you buy a more “high-class” and “prestige” brand?” My fussy friend always annoys me about it. I say, “I’m not a brand-minded guy. If you give me Debenhams’s suit, or Dolce-Gabbana’s shoes to me…, it’s like giving a colour TV to a blind man.” So, I don’t care if X-Over is not a Honda or Toyota or European car brand. But I can tell you. The price is quite economical compare to the same benefit we got from other brand. And after all, I like the letter S. As in Superman or Spiderman or just simply… Sexy…! Haha!


2. Exterior. Maybe it is claimed as the first “cross-over” (between SUV and MPV) in Indonesia, but I could care less. The most important is, it looks really sporty, yet elegant at the same time. Don’t try to compare it with Toyota Yaris, because I think it’s really ugly with a big fat “blendung” shape. And Jazz…, I just think it’s too sweet too girly and has a low ground clearance. If you go to someone’s home in bekasi, I bet Jazz would have a bad time and comeback with a great scratch and wound under. X-Over has 16” tire. Enough to handle high “polisi tidur” and broken road scattered around this town. Viewed from the front, the SX4 looks like a mid-sized sedan. Only when you go around to the side, you would realize this is a high-clearance, compact hatchback. At 4,135mm in length and 1,755mm wide, the SX4 isn’t going to take up too much space in your porch or outside your gate, and is a breeze to manoeuvre.



3. Interior. I like a simple, elegant, and firm shape of dashboard. Unlike Jazz who has so much knick-knacks and “abg-banget”. The cabin is quite large and wide. Internal space has been well thought out, and both the front and rear seats feel spacious and comfortable. There’s no arm console for the driver, although the glove box and door pockets provide ample storage. And if you notice, driver and passenger’s position is just like riding a sedan. The seat is fine. No need to add leather cover. I like the driver seat. It hugs and covers my body fitly. I can sleep well there. It is easy for driver to operate instrument panel. There’re three cylindrical meter cluster right in the back of steerwheel, completed by compact warning sign (including seat belt usage and door-lock). The red light is really beautiful. Love it!

4. Audio-System. One local magazine, state that SX4 has the best audio. And I EXTREMELY agree with it. Other cars are out of league. The sound is just incredible, as if you have your own home theatre there. I like to turn it on so loudly when I’m riding alone. No need to add subwoofer. It can play AM/FM/MP3/WMA with 8 speakers (eight! try that!) and also auto volume control which will adjust along with the speed’s changing. And it has steering wheel integrated audio controls…, a fancy name for a steering wheel which has buttons to control the audio system. It's really an indulgence for the driver, although in SX4, it’s not equipped with remote control…, a buzz for back passengers.

5. Features. Like I said, this car is very economical for a car with so many features. I didn’t expect it at the first time, but I consider it as a bonus. SX4 is equipped by keyless entry with immobilizer which makes it impossible to turn on the car without the specific key with certain code embedded in it. Stolen-proof? Maybe, but people get smarter every time, so I still buy a steer-lock for the leather-encased steering wheel. First click in the key remote, only open the driver door. Second click will open the passenger door. A nice system. In addition, cabin’s lamp turn-off fading. So when we enter the car, the lamp is still on, giving a chance for us to do things in better light before start driving. In few seconds, it’s fading off. Smart car! The rear-view mirror is retractable. I know, I’m cheesy…hehe, since so many cars have it also…, but hey, it still an advantage, rite? Other usual features are multi-reflector halogen headlamp, front fog lamps, intermittent rear wiper with electric washer and rear combination lamps, the steering spoke, external temperature gauge, roof rails, electromagnetic tailgate opener, and a 50l fuel tank.

6. Fuel Consumption. We can recognize the fuel consumption in MID (muti-information display) in the middle of dashboard which also shows outside temperature. We can check the average consumption and the on-going consumption, and it’s resetable. In average, the consumption is about 12 km/L. It could be higher if I only take the highway. Quite frugal, rite? (okay, maybe jazz is better for this thing).

7. Safety. I think SX4 inventor has put safety in first priority. It can be seen by the instalment of Dual SRS(Supplement Restrain System)-Airbags, which automatically blown in driver and passenger if there’s any collision. TECT Body, light and compact, able to redeem and distribute energy because of collision. SX4 is also equipped by child proof rear door lock, something I knew after almost a year I ride it. I can imagine bringing my children in my car in few next years now.

8. Machine. Last, but one of the most important is the machine itself. The five-door SX4 comes with a four-cylinder, 16-valve, 1.6l engine, uses machine with 1500 cc capacity VVT DOHC, able to generate maximum power 100 ps/6.000 and torque 133 Nm/4.000 rpm. I can’t compare it with other car, since I never drive any other car than my brothers Pajero. And I’m too afraid to drive my friend’s car. I’m not a great driver, especially if aBy is my passenger. It’s like having a driving-instructor along the journey. (haha, no offense). But if people say jazz is fun to drive, than I can make sure you’ll like to drive x-over. You cannot feel how the speed is already reaching 140 km/hr because it’s so smooth and stable. The steering is smooth and very responsive, so getting around tight corners or taking bends is a pretty effortless affair. The car itself feels pretty light and nimble. When you push down on the gas pedal, the acceleration is more civil and smooth than surging. Like my boss said, it’s addictive. I think driving is my new hobby now.

About the color, I chose the Copper-Light one. Seriously, it’s the best color for a car. And by statistic, it has the lowest record of accident. It’s a fading orange-red-chocolate. In the daylight, the car looks orange. But at night, the car looks so red. I like it most at the evening, right before the sun goes down. The gradual-color orange-red is really beautiful. It’s bright, yet really calm.

So, the bottom line, SX4 is great and has good value for money. I’m neither an advertiser nor a dealer, but I do really love this car. My friends are maybe almost vomiting if I talk about how great she is. But I repeat ut again..., weighing in all factors, I found the SX4 to be a thoroughly enjoyable drive. It has the sort of all-round appeal that won’t dim with the years. Seriously...!

Bruised Ego

I did some mistakes. I know that, and I don’t have any intention to repeat it. Not when I fully conscious that it’s a mistake. So everytime my boss or anyone come to me and say this line, “Can I trust you to do this right?”…, my ego is starting to bruise. I learnt my lessons. No need other people to questioning. When someone put a trust on me, I totally try my best not to let it slip from my hand. And when someone hesitate about me, I keep try my best to show them that they’re wrong, although my pride is a little bit wounded. And trust me, it’s not a good feeling. And sometimes our energy is sucked-out by those unnecessary feeling.

***

As an INFJ, I listened a lot. And I like it. But when the time comes that I’m the one who do the talk, it takes me less than one minute in most cases to make the decision about whether I’m being appreciated. If I'm talking to someone and (s)he can't maintain eye contact or focus on what I'm saying, I politely end the conversation. Maybe my ego is bruised easily. But, the bottom line is, there is no point in trying to build a relationship nor extend another opportunity to do so. I have to respect myself. I just move on. I'm fine without them. In some cases, when I do really care about them…, I really try so hard to do what they like. Forgetting the expectation that they would listen and just being happy when they’re happy. Of course, I would really do the self-contemplating, fear that I’m such a boring or unimportant person. And I know (and I hope), every now and then someone will make an effort to show they're worthy, apologize, reach out and let me know they can do better, but that's rare. They are people who I love to give my full affection and attention.

***

I called someone I never see in some quite time few nights ago. A part because I feel a lil’ bit worry about him since the last time we talk he looks miserable and sniffed cry. A part because I just have an urge to have a chat with him. This is the time when I put aside an ego and focus on his condition. But, it’s not like what I expected. Well, I’m grateful that he sounds cheery and joyful, as usual, but a part when he mocked me about how I spend my weekends doing cleaning by reading the previous post in my blog, my ego is just alarmed. Yes, I'm aloof. But I don't need other people to say that I'm aloof. Okay, sometimes I get lonely. But I don’t need other people to say that I’m lonely. Asking? Fine. But Accusing? Not cool. Especially from one you expect to understand…, to fill up the gap, not to mock the flaw.

***

Being professional and being cool is such a similar. They don’t include personal emotion into their dictionary. So not me. So, being professional and being cool is an act of pretending for me. Put another personality and just being another me. It’s a success for most of the time. Still, I find my ego bruised after I passed through the door of my room.

For practical reasons I am sometimes forced to make a pep talk, maintain a contact with someone because (s)he can get me what I want or need. Oh, yes, there's a place for that. Is it cruel? Well, I think it’s a reality that I realize some people do the same to me. But for me, the trick is to be clear about the reason for the relationship, yet still sincere in one's dealings. Although sometimes it’s just my effort to save my ego from getting bruised.

Insomnia

The most anxious moment, for me, is when you can't get sleep because of unexplainable thing in your head and heart. And then you go through the night in silence. Thus, by the dawn came from the east, finally you can get your eyes relaxed...

And the saddest moment is..., when you wake up in the morning..., and find yourself in tears.



Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

[Evanescense, Imaginary]